I’ve been low carbin’ it since carbs were on vinyl… I was low carbin’ back when Atkins was still a twinkle in his daddy’s eye. Today while walking my girlfriend to work I decided to reward myself for having such a successful and productive day, so I bought a ton of bacon at what west coast people call ‘the liquor store’ and what east coast people call ‘the bodega’. I think everyone in between calls it the 7-11 or the Super K-mart.

I don’t eat a lot of bread, let’s just pretend that I’m allergic to it so I don’t get a flood of pedantic emails about diets and nutrition. Normally my breakfast consists of 2 eggs, 3 strips of bacon and coffee. Today I went in a different direction…



Two balls of 80/20 ground beef. 80/20 because I like fat and because you are what you eat right? I learned about something called The Smash Technique after getting addicted to Steak N Shake hamburgers during a recent road trip through Indiana. I don’t know if I’m doing it quite right but the burgers are thin, cooked quickly and smashed to bits.



Now… adults shouldn’t eat scrambled eggs. When made correctly scrambled eggs are wonderful and fluffy and full of flavor and your children will love them. These eggs will be over medium.



Secret ingredient. They put this stuff in cigarettes to make them addictive. Shhhh don’t tell mom.



Pan switch. Never put bacon into a pan that’s already hot. Bacon needs to heat with the pan. If you don’t know that then you don’t know bacon.

The weave technique is clutch. I acquired this technique from a different bacon adventure somewhere else on the internet. The guy took a metric dollop of bacon and turned it into some sort of gigantic meat burrito. Nerds everywhere peed themselves, it was single most unappetizingly appetizing moment in history.

I didn’t take pictures for a few minutes because I was adding layers of cheese, hamburger and egg to this equation. It was a rough few minutes, but in the end it was much successful…



God. Doesn’t that look disgusting? I can already hear the conscious of the internet clicking away… “RIP!” “LOL HEART ATTACK CENTRAL!” “GREASE MONKEY” “forwerd this msg to 20 of ur friends or the devil wil visit u n ur sleep” etc. Too bad I don’t have comments enabled on this blog, people are going to have to mindlessly type into empty space.

And here it is… the Bacon Bread Breakfast Sandwich.





Don’t try this at home. Not because it’s unhealthy but because chances are you’re not in shape like I am. I have all day to strut around the gym and you probably don’t and if you did you probably wouldn’t spend it in some stupid gym. You can download cardio anyway, there’s an app for that, I swear.

Wolfram Alpha weighs in on my breakfast.

The Nutritional Facts:

As you can see for a keto diet, it’s rather healthy and accommodating.